A Confession
A Confessi''o''n Episode Four, Season Eight, of Cold. Enjoy <3 Kitkat episode! This will be in first person and it will be in Kitkat's POV. A Confession I found myself staring at Mosspaw. The young apprentice was certainly annoying, but she was kind in her own way. Plus, Frosty was outside with Shade discussing matters, so I was stuck with the jet black she-cat. Mosspaw was dejected. I had hoped it wasn’t because of me (only because I was mad to be stuck with her) but I noticed she kept glancing at the medicine den. It must have been her brother that was upsetting her. Last night, Shade had stalked into the den, looking furious and worried at the same time. She looked absolutely worn out and she was frowning at Mosspaw’s hopefully expression. We had all heard by then that Wavepaw was in the medicine cat den (considering some of us were actually in the den when he was escorted away and we were forced to move to a “cleaner” one). “We’re going to have to stay here for awhile longer,” Shade explained when she met all of our – Frosty’s – stony expression(s). “Wavepaw-” “What?” Frosty not-so-rudely interrupted, “You said we were leaving tomorrow!” Her scowl deepened and she leaned over and whispered. “No wonder the Clans are so weak – after all, she’s in charge.” I giggled which caused Shade to shoot me a murderous glare. I only smiled flirtingly back at her and whispered to Frosty. “Or, she was chosen because the Clans are so weak.” “Don’t praise the enemy,” Frosty rolled her eyes. I let out a dramatic sigh, “Sorry, must have been the dust in my pelt.” I heard a cough and I turned my head towards Shade again. “Oh, I’m sorry,” I mewed, putting on my best smile, “Did we interrupt something?” Shade let out an impatient huff and continued, “Wavepaw is sick with some kind of disease. We can’t leave until he’s fully treated.” “That’s lovely,” Frosty mumbled, “I’m so thrilled to have to stay here longer than we need to.” I sighed and laid my head on the white she-cat’s shoulder. “At least we have shelter and food,” I murmured, “better than at home.” Frosty shrugged and she settled down to sleep. Shade turned and swiftly left the den again without another word. Sometimes I marveled the way she could change from a caring sister to the leader she was now. Perhaps that was why Frosty and I never won against the Clans. Mosspaw began to pace, which surprisingly didn’t irritate Frosty. I began my daily (more like hourly) routine of grooming my fur. Mosspaw glanced over a few times but I promptly ignored her. Finally, I could feel her gaze pinning me down. I turned, slightly irritated and mewed, “Why are you staring at me?” Then, remembering my lines, I added, “Is it because of my fur?” Mosspaw grimaced slightly and looked as though she didn’t want to reply. That was fine with me. “Why are you always so obsessive?” she huffed, “It’s not like your life depends on it.” No, ''I thought, ''But it’s a good cover story, right? Nobody will believe I’m with Frosty or that I’m some vicious killer or something. Or you know, I don’t seem like the cat to be mourning everything I’ve lost. But I only mewed, “Yeah it does.” It was partially true. I mean I was using this grooming excuse to focus on something simple so I didn’t have to think about little Cosbi’s death or my parents’ betrayals and- Breathe… Mosspaw gave me a skeptical look and rolled her eyes. “I can see why you’re not much of a danger to the Clans.” I stiffened but put on a peppy grin. “Wait until I get serious.” Mosspaw looked away quickly but she hardened her expression. “Why do you guys want to help so much now anyways? Just a few moons ago you were murdering everyone you could.” “We’re not savage creatures you know?” I stretched and sat comfortably in my nest, “We have reasons to do certain things. We had a reason to attack the Clans, and it’s justified. Not that you’d understand or anything, not with a dirty pelt and a simple mind like yours.” “So it’s justified to kill cat’s parents and brother,” Mosspaw hissed through clenched teeth. Oops. I didn’t mean it like that. Saying cruel things was Frosty’s thing, not mine. I was supposed to be the dumb one who focused on her pelt and nothing more. I sighed, “I didn’t say that,” I grunted, “I just meant that we had a reason to go around fighting the Clans. We had land problems, you see. We owned barely enough to keep the group going. So when we thought the Clans took the land, we fought back.” “You thought?” Mosspaw echoed incredulously, “You guys are denser then I thought you were.” I glared at her. “I think you’ve been hanging out with Shade too much.” The black she-cat laughed sharply and surprisingly didn’t wake up Frosty. “So I’m guessing the Shadows had something to do with the land?” “Yeah,” I mewed wistfully, “the Shadows took it, not the Clans. So we have no reason to hate the Clans other than the fact that they have such ruined pelts. Just take yours or Storm’s for example.” Mosspaw smiled a bit this time and I was slightly relieved she was warming up to me. I hated it when cats despised me. It was refreshing to know not everyone relished the thought of killing me. “Why do you care about your pelt so much?” I was a bit taken aback from the question. “Why the dirt bothers to much of course,” I scoffed, trying to use the same thing I used whenever someone asked me that, “How do you live when you have dust clinging to your fur, clogging you up? It’s a necessity that I cannot let go.” Mosspaw shook her head. “I’ve been watching you lately.” Stalker… “You act differently when you think nobody’s around. I mean it’s no secret that you and Frosty are…something now, but I bet before nobody knew. So why the ruse of having your pelt clean and all that? I mean you probably didn’t care about them knowing about you and Frosty if you could carelessly speak about it. So why?” She was more observant than I realized. I would have to tread more carefully to conceal my thoughts and feelings. But she was being open I supposed. “I can tell you don’t want to tell me,” Mosspaw shrugged, “I suppose I wouldn’t exactly want to tell you everything in my life. But I can tell you this. I’m trying to…see if you’re a good cat underneath. I mean, you murdered my brother without a shred of dignity. Who, in the right mind, kills a two moon old kit?” She looked a bit helpless. “I’ve always questioned your sanity and whether or not I should trust you. Wavepaw is openly hostile and I agree with his caution. Who knows how long it will be before you try to kill me too? So I’m doing this because I want to know who you are underneath.” She looked at me again, a question in her eyes. I blinked. Mosspaw sighed at my reluctance and continued. “When I was young enough to open my eyes, the only family I knew was Wavepaw, Stonekit, and Minnowfur. The rest were the group members of Storm’s group. They were all so kind and caring. I thought of each and every one of them as another part of my family. “I was naïve and didn’t think I could lose them. I was wrong. After a moon, Stonekit was taken away and Minnowfur went off to fight. Wavepaw and I were only kits, and we didn’t understand anything. We didn’t know Stonekit was dead or that Minnowfur was about to suffer the same fate. “I’m not even too sure if I’ve fully forgiven Tessa for what she did. I mean yes, you and Frosty gave her the order to finish my mother off, but couldn’t she have refused? But she’s a kind she-cat and I think I can trust her now. “And I can really see that Frosty is a ruthless she-cat. That only gives me much more of an insight on what kind of cat you are. But I don’t want to judge you so quickly, so I’m giving you this chance. “I’ve practically told you what my life is like just so I can see if we can bond. Maybe you can start telling me something?” My breathing has quickened. I didn’t know why I was so nervous about this. Someone deserved to know the truth other than Frosty. I shouldn’t have to carry this in my heart forever. Was this obnoxious, little, unforgiving apprentice the cat? She was better than the rest of my choices I suppose. “When I was little,” I began, “my mother was very harsh. I had a little brother three moons later who she cherished like he was the one cat who would rule the world. She treated me like I was nothing compared to the dust. Maybe that’s half the reason why I want to get rid of all the dust off my fur: so I can feel better about myself. “I was like her servant. My father was apparently some bloodthirsty, wanted criminal. He was captured several moons later, but I never met him. Probably better that I didn’t. Cosbi, my brother, was spoiled. “He was awfully nice to me though, so he was the reason I never fought back. My mother used me, punished me for everything Cosbi did wrong, and practically tried to beat me to death. It isn’t a pleasant memory. “I ended up…getting mad one day when I was twelve moons old. Cosbi was nine moons old. My mother tried to keep me away from the prey and even beat me when Cosbi gave me something. I was fed up and tired of her games so I fought back. Moons of working to please her gave me a strong build. She was nothing compared to me and I managed to beat her back and eventually…my rage killed her.” I paused, my breath coming in ragged hitches. Just telling it again made the memory come up again. Mosspaw nodded patiently, and I could tell she was drinking this all in. She was someone I could trust. “Cosbi was horrified. From then on, he would shy away from me and only accepted prey if I was five tail-lengths away from him. He didn’t want anything to do with me. I was shocked and broken. He died a moon later because he refused to eat. It was all my fault. “I wandered away then, after burying little Cosbi. After eight moons of surviving on my own, I found Frosty. At first it was just the two of us, surviving near another Clan called NightClan. We didn’t bother them and they didn’t bother us. I developed my ‘cleaning’ habit in attempt to erase everything my mother told me and the harsh memories of my kithood. “We moved later on to settle in our own territory and make our own group. Since then, we’ve been recruiting members and I…saw something in Frosty. She was nothing like I’ve ever imagined. “She tolerated my pain and understood me. She allowed me to heal and reconstruct myself by leading the group by herself. She helped me open up and she knew what it took to calm me down. She was my anchor and I was nothing without her. “I guess you can see why I’m so attached to her. I’m more attuned to killing nowadays, and grooming keeps me off those horrifying thoughts. So I only let go of my habits now when I need it. “That’s really all…” Mosspaw’s eyes are sympathetic and she nodded. “I think we understand each other in pain. I didn’t know Reedtail, and I didn’t have much time with Minnowfur and Stonekit before I lost them. Yet you had to go through all that just to achieve what you have now. “You probably don’t think you’re special of even worth it. But I think you are. Yes, it’s a harsh reality that you killed my family members, but maybe that’s fate. Because of these past events, we’ve realized what we needed to do to open up, right?” I shrugged. Such wise words for someone so young, maybe that’s what we need in our future generations. “Yeah, guess so. I sometimes think I’m not worth Frosty or that she’ll one day ditch me for someone better. Am I worth it? Or is my mother right about everything? I can never answer them myself.” “Every cat’s worth it,” Mosspaw murmured, settling down into her nest, “and that’s reality.” “Thanks for talking with me,” I sighed as I leaned over to curl up in my nest, “I…haven’t done that in awhile and I think it’s going to help.” “No problem.” Shade walked in some time afterwards, but I was already letting some things go. Perhaps Mosspaw was right; everyone was special and worth it. I glanced over at Frosty and smiled to myself. Some cats were worth more than others though. I sighed as I burrowed into my nest next to Frosty. Mosspaw’s breathing had already settled and Shade was curling up in her own nest. “Thank the stars you weren’t wake for all that, Frosty,” I murmured into her ear. Frosty cracked open an eye and grinned, “Guess again, Kitkat.” ''The End. Okay, this was actually a really emotional episode for me. I seriously liked plotting out Kitkat's life and I seriously love her right now <3 '' Category:Fan Fictions Category:Cchen3's Fanfics Category:Cold